


Here, in the Now

by xiubeans



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:45:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiubeans/pseuds/xiubeans
Summary: The earth twirled around the sun many, many times. But Hyunwoo was still here.





	Here, in the Now

**Author's Note:**

> My debut into the mx fandom with an angsty Wonho and supportive friend Shownu. I'm not an entirely huge fan of writing sad fics but things happen when you're crying over your new fave group.

Hoseok stumbles up the deteriorating stairs. The wound stings like a bitch and he's bleeding, but he's alive. That's all that matters. 

Outside the city is humming like a cicada. The dark sky has been abandoned by the moon tonight and Hoseok feels empathic towards the sky. He knows what loneliness feels like and abandonment is an even more familiar feeling. But how could be complain about being lonely when he has Hyunwoo? Maybe the loneliness he feels is just what he remembers from the past. It's behind him now and he doesn't like to linger on what had happened during his younger years. But how come he feels so lonely even though he has Hyunwoo? What does Hyunwoo do to him that keeps him at peace and prevent him from crying like a hungry child?

The last flight of stairs feels like it takes a hundred years to climb up but once he gets to the third floor he limps his way to their apartment. His hand barely grazes the rusting doorknob when it swings open and Hyunwoo stands in the doorway, his face blank. But Hoseok knows that the other is worried. Hyunwoo just isn't good with expressing his feelings with his face. His body language says a lot, though. Tense shoulders, clenched fists, a stiff body frozen in shock. He's worried and scared. 

"Knife wound," Hoseok says, his voice coming out in a dry croak. That's when he realizes that he's thirsty and a little dizzy from the exertion he put on himself as he was coming up the stairs. He grabs onto the door frame to catch himself but Hyunwoo is already there to hold him by the waist. Without a word, he closes the door and carries Hoseok to the couch. He lays Hoseok down with the same care that he always shows when Hoseok shows up bloody on his doorstep. He wants to thank Hyunwoo for putting up with him and his stupidity but the words make as much sense as a parrot attempting to imitate human language. 

"Don't talk," Hyunwoo says. "Don't move. I'm getting the first aid kit."

"No," Hoseok says, voice barely above a whisper and he hates how weak he sounds. "Please, don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you," Hyunwoo murmurs. "I'm just getting the first aid kit." 

Hoseok doesn't believe him for a moment. It could have been the adrenaline that still made him ansty, or it could have been the blood loss he suffered on his way to Hyunwoo's apartment that made him think this way. He doesn't know what caused such thoughts but he knows that it was a clear thought and it scared him because of how plausible it might be. Hyunwoo could leave him at any moment. He could be alone for the rest of his life and die a lonely man. 

Hyunwoo comes back with a white box in hand and a clean towel draped over his shoulder. He kneels down beside Hoseok, places the first aid kit on the floor and opens it. Hoseok manages to peer inside and finds two fresh rolls of gauze and a refilled bottle of rubbing alcohol staring right back at him. Relief helps him settle into the couch. 

Hyunwoo carefully lifts up his shirt to search for the wound and finds the gaping crimson line slashed into the left side of Hoseok's torso. A grimace flashes across his face for a brief second. "You've seen worse," Hoseok says and tries to laugh but it only causes a fire to burn in his side. 

"Don't talk," Hyunwoo repeats, a little more firmly this time. "I have one more pill for pain relief." He gets up to fetch a glass of water but visibly hesitates when Hoseok watches him stand up and tower over him, the injured man's lips partially parted as though he's about to call out for the other to stop but closes them when he realizes that Hyunwoo is only going to get some water. 

Hyunwoo comes back with a glass of water and sets it down on the floor next to him. He pulls out a small white bottle from the kit, twists the lid open and tilts it forward. A white pill clacks around the empty bottle and tumbles out into Hyunwoo's open hand. He puts the bottle back inside the kit and with his free arm helps prop Hoseok up. Hyunwoo's fingers brush against his lip as he pushes the white pill into Hoseok's mouth. The bitter, chalky pill sits on his tongue until Hyunwoo lifts the glass of water to his mouth. He takes big gulps of water and drinks every last drop. 

"I'm going to fix you up," Hyunwoo says. His voice wavers slightly and Hoseok swallows down what he hoped was the pill that was stuck in his throat. 

The white towel presses against his side and Hoseok exhales as the pain seeps through his torso. Blood soaks through the towel and stains Hyunwoo's hands but he diligently keeps the towel pressed to the wound until it stops bleeding. The entire time his lips move in a silent plea that Hoseok has trouble making out. He can't help but feel bad. 

Hyunwoo sets the bloody towel to the side and wipes off his hands on his pants. Hoseok watches the other pull out all the necessary items he need to patch him up. Needles, thread, cotton balls and rubbing alcohol. Hoseok shuts his eyes when he imagines the sight of a needle being poked through his skin and pretends that he's just getting another tattoo. He does it all the time and it helps him get around the pain. How many imaginary tattoos would he have then? Hyunwoo is always stitching up the cuts too large to slap a bandaid on. It must be his hundredth time getting a needle through his skin, or it could be the thousandth time. He's not sure. 

The soft, moist surface of a cotton ball comes to contact with his sore side and he recoils when several droplets of the rubbing alcohol roll past his open wound. Hyunwoo mutters an apology and carefully dabs the cotton ball around the wound to clear it of blood and sweat. Every now and then he'll accidentally get too close and hurt Hoseok, but Hoseok fights back the urge to cry out like a child by biting on the inside of his mouth. 

Hyunwoo gives no warning as the sharp needle tip pierces his skin. Hoseok lets out a weak gasp, struggling to lay still so he won't experience more pain. The other mumbles another apology, quiet and pitiful, as though causing Hoseok pain hurts him physically as well. Suddenly, annoyance wells up in him. 

"I hate how you apologize," Hoseok says. His voice comes out louder now that he's had some water but it sounds hoarse. "Stop apologizing."

"I'm—" Hyunwoo stops himself. He glances up, eyes scrutinizing the other, and looks back down. "I don't know what you mean by that. Why can't I apologize for accidentally hurting you and causing you more pain?"

Hoseok stops to think. Why is he bothered by the constant apologies that Hyunwoo mutters every time he arches slightly in pain? Is it because he doesn't want to admit he's weak? No, that's not it. He knows he's weak. That's why he works out. Why is he annoyed by the soft-spoken sorries? 

"You shouldn't apologize. I should be the one to be doing it." Hoseok clenches his teeth together. The needle has gone through his skin and begins working its way through it again in one continuous line. 

"For what? What have you done?" Hyunwoo asks. His hands are steady and slow, careful in order to avoid mistakes. 

"You know," Hoseok says. "The fighting. The drinking. The drugs. Essentially being homeless because I can't get a job and neither do I want one. Being a piece of shit. Getting into trouble and running back to you with my tail between my legs when I get my ass kicked. Like right now."

"I've told you before, you're always welcome to come to my apartment whenever you need help. Hell, you can even start living here and I wouldn't mind." Hyunwoo pulls the needle through another section of skin and examines his handiwork for a moment. The crossing stitches so far look decent enough to hold together. 

"I can't just live with you and not pay rent. I'm not even a fully functioning member of society." Hyunwoo sighs and Hoseok's heart falls.

"Do you know how I spend my nights?" Hyunwoo asks, thumbs slowly caressing the other's pale skin as he sits back a moment to look at Hoseok. "I spend it alone. Without you. Wondering where you've gone off to and worrying about you. You look like death every time you show up on my doorstep. I hate it." He leans in so that he is no longer looking at Hoseok but his wound instead. The pricking pain returns to his side but it's numbed by what Hyunwoo has told him. He stares at the ceiling and can't help but wonder if what the other said was genuine or faked. 

"Do you mean it?" Hoseok asks after a long moment. He turns his head around to look at the other and finds glossy brown eyes staring right back at him in what seems to be shook. 

"Of course," Hyunwoo says. "Why would I lie?" 

"Because I'm useless." 

Hyunwoo blinks, clearly baffled by the statement. His eyes shift to the wound he's working on. It's halfway done. 

"I think it'd be a lie to tell you that you aren't useless." Hoseok snorts and turns his gaze back to the ceiling. He should have anticipated that answer. Hyunwoo is always straightforward and could never tell a lie. "But it's not a lie when I say that I care about you. Even when I'm the one who has to clean you up and provide for you the majority of the time it's because I care. If I didn't, I would have left you dead a long time ago." Hoseok feels his skin tighten a bit as the other pulls a little harder than usual on the thread and bites down on his lip. 

The room falls quiet. Hyunwoo finishes stitching up the wound and cuts the thread. He wraps Hoseok's rib cage with gauze to keep the wound from getting infected before finally sitting back to breathe a small sigh of relief. Once again, Hyunwoo has saved him. He's watching the steady rise and fall of Hoseok's breathing when Hoseok speaks up. 

"Do you remember our promise? We swore that we would stay together until the end. We would be there for each other when we needed help." He laughs bitterly. "You've kept your side of the promise. I didn't."

"You have, though. You've been with me for a long time. It's almost been nine years." 

"That's not what I meant." Hoseok shifts to get more comfortable and winces when his side pulses with pain. "I meant that you've always been there for me when I needed help. You're always making sure I'm okay and patching me up when I get hurt. And me? All I do is stick my nose into people's business and fight. You deserve better." 

"Don't say that." Hyunwoo's head tilts forward. His bangs obscure his eyes from Hoseok's view. "You think you're a burden to me but you're not. Yes, I worry about you, but worrying isn't a burden. It's only a reasonable response when you don't know if the only person you have left in your life will die without your knowledge." Hyunwoo reaches up and holds onto the other's hand. He laces their fingers together and exhales, shoulders shuddering with the action. "I'm afraid of being alone. I'm constantly pestering you about living with me because that will at least ease some of my worries. When I'm at work I can't help but wonder if you're laying in a bloody heap in an alley somewhere." His voice breaks at the last word and Hoseok feels his heart reaching out for his friend. "I have every damn right to be worried about you. I'm not losing my best friend."

Hoseok squeezes the other's hand and blinks back the hot tears that cloud his vision. What has he done to deserve somebody so selfless like Hyunwoo? He complains about himself and his situation but won't do anything. Yet Hyunwoo will patiently listen to him, give him the best advice he can, and assure Hoseok that he will always be by his side. His heart aches and it isn't in the constant self-pity he feels towards himself. It's sadness towards Hyunwoo, the man who's watched him grow up into another shadow that lurks the city at night, and tried his best to guide his friend back on the right track but failed. 

"Just because you've resorted to alcohol, drugs and debauchery doesn't mean that I can start giving up on you. I've been with you for a long time because I don't want to let the one person I care about in my life fade away. Besides, it's only right that I stay and take care of you until you decide it's time to change. I'm only here to offer my support. Most of the work is on you. You have decide whether or not you want to change or continue. If getting into fist fights and numbing the pain with meth makes you happy then I won't try to stop you. I just want you to be happy."

"What about you? Are you happy?" Hoseok watches the other lift his head up and shake his head as a sad smile graces his lips. Hyunwoo briefly untangles his fingers from Hoseok's to wipe away a stray tear. 

"If I have to be honest, no. Watching you come to my apartment with blood dripping from your mouth and a bullet in your leg scares me. It makes me sad. You either visit me while you're intoxicated or sober but hurt. I want to see neither of those when you come to me. I know that whatever you do helps you cope because you're not happy either and that makes me unhappy." Hyunwoo takes Hoseok's hand and squeezes it. The gesture shows so much love and affection that Hoseok nearly bursts into tears because Hyunwoo really does deserve better. He's unhappy because of Hoseok's unhappiness. He's stayed with Hoseok for five long years to offer his help and support, and not once has he complained, but merely wants his happiness because Hoseok's happiness was also Hyunwoo's. 

"I really don't deserve you," Hoseok says with a small laugh that eventually turns into a loud sob. 

"Don't cry," Hyunwoo murmurs, low and soothing. He gets up on his knees and cups Hoseok's face with his free hand. "Don't cry, Hoseok. I'm here. I'll be here for you." He puts his forehead to Hoseok's. A distant memory from their childhood floods back to Hoseok. Hyunwoo would always comfort him like this, foreheads pressed together while hand in hand. It was strange but it always helped calm him down. The intimacy of it soothed and reminded him that Hyunwoo was there to be by his side. 

"Don't ever leave me," Hoseok says through the tears. "I don't know what I would do without you. I—I need you. I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid of being alone. Don't leave me." He reaches up and touches Hyunwoo's face. For a second, he thinks that the teardrops that fell on him are his own until he realizes that Hyunwoo is crying as well. 

"I'm not going to leave you. We made a promise, remember? And I promised myself I wouldn't leave you no matter what." 

Hoseok shakily exhales once he's cried all that he could and wipes Hyunwoo's tears away with his thumb. The other's eyes are closed and he makes no sound when he cries, leading Hoseok to believe that the other has fallen asleep. When he attempts to sit up Hyunwoo's eyes snap open and he pulls back. "Don't move," he says. "Just lay down. Go to sleep. We'll sort things out in the morning." Hoseok nods. He sinks his head into the pillow and sighs. The fatigue makes him feel like a pound of bricks is tied to his feet and weighing him down. His eyes shut heavily and he finds himself drifting off to sleep in a matter of minutes. 

"I won't leave you," he hears Hyunwoo say before he falls under. He feels the other tighten his grip on his hand, as though Hoseok could slip away at any moment. "I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you. We'll get through this together. I know we can." Warm breath hovers over him and he struggles to fight back sleep lest he confused reality from dream the moment he wakes up. 

"I won't leave you either," Hoseok hears himself say. He's not sure if what happened next was a dream. Hyunwoo's lips grazed against his and Hoseok thought he kissed the other but he was already asleep by the time Hyunwoo made his next move. 

He wakes up the next morning with Hyunwoo's head on his chest, their hands still intertwined together, a clear sign that neither one of them was leaving the other.


End file.
